Humor in a Fido Vein

• The Fidonet Political Data Base
• The Zone 1 Inquisition Part 1

The Fidonet Political Data Base
By Frank Vest
1:124/6308

It has come to my attention that there may be some people in Fidonet that just don't understand the Political Data Base that Fidonet politics uses. The below is based on a reply I made to a person that, I'm sure, didn't want to know this. :-)

The Question (if you call it that) :-)

I know very little about how fidonet politics work, so if I offend any one, it is unintentional.

The Answer (if you call it that) :-)

You've probably already offended someone. Simply not knowing is offensive to some. :) I'll offer a quick primer below for you to study with a grain of salt. :-)

Politics in Fidonet are simple.

The data base:

Anything you write that offends someone, or even if it doesn't, will be entered into someone's data base. It will be cross referenced in every conceivable way. When you write a message from then on, that data base will be checked and if what you are writing is in any way different from what you wrote before, it will be thrown back in your face. Of course, you will keep a data base as well so that you can check it and hit back. The data base is maintained from the beginning of you joining Fidonet and is never deleted.... even if you leave Fidonet.... after all, you might come back.

If you were known by someone prior to joining Fidonet, that data is already included in their data. Be sure to include your knowledge of them in your data. :)

Now, don't make the mistake of not keeping a data base on your buddies. They may become your enemy some day and you'll need that data. Beside, you know they are keeping a data base on you. :)

Use of data base:

The use of the data base is rather simple. If someone writes a message that disagrees with you or if you don't like that person for some real or perceived wrong they did to you or your buddy, you consult your data base and use every message that they ever wrote and every action they ever took against them. NOTE: You can also do this just for the sake of starting something. :)

Always enter the message you are replying to into your data base before you write your reply. That way it can be selectively recalled, twisted and spun into what ever you desire with additions from your data base.

Data base rules:

Never keep your data base in any form of hard copy. Keep it in your mind/memory. That way you can selectively remember. :)

Add to and update your data base constantly. Additions can, and should, be from every message written by anyone in Fidonet....

Additions against others can and should come from messages written from other data bases. NOTE: It is not relevant that information from other data bases be accurate. Enter the data anyway.... especially if it is old data from someone IE: A quote of someone's past writing or some conjecture of/from someone.

Final note:

If you are new and don't have a data base on someone, insult them or something. That way you can gather data for your data base. ;-)

Welcome to Fidonet. :-))

Regards,

Frank

The Zone 1 Inquisition Part 1
By Dale Ross
1:379/1

This skit is loosely (OK tightly) based on Monty Python's Spanish Inquisition - Trouble at the Mill Skit

Dale: Trouble in backbone
Bobby: Oh no... what kind of trouble?
Dale: One on't routelists gone owt skew on backbone
Bobby: Pardon?
Dale: One on't routelists gone owt skew on backbone
Bobby: I don't understand what you are saying.
Dale: One of the routelists has gone out askew on the backbone.
Bobby: What on earth does that mean?
Dale: /I/ don't know - Mr. Cochrane just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble in backbone that's all. I didn't expect a kind of Zone 1 Inquisition

<Door flies open; Cardinal Snookums and two junior Cardinal's Stuff-in-Such and Crass barge in>

Snookums: NOBODY expects the Zone 1 Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... stuffing and fear... fear and surprise. Our two weapons are surprise and fear... and ruthless stuffing. Our three weapons are surprise, fear, ruthless stuffing... and an almost fanatical devotion to P4. Our /FOUR/ ...no... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as surprise, fear.... I'll come in again.

<They Exit through the door>

Dale: I didn't expect a kind of Zone 1 Inquisition

<Door flies open and the Cardinals enter>

Snookums: NOBODY expects the Zone 1 Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: surprise, fear, ruthless stuffing, an almost fanatical devotion to P4, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (to Cardinal Stuff-in-Such) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Stuff-in-Such: What?

Snookums: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'

Stuff-in-Such: I couldn't do that...

<They Exit through the door>

Dale: I didn't expect a kind of Zone 1 Inquisition

<Door flies open>

Stuff-in-Such: Er.... Nobody...um....

Snookums: Expects

Stuff-in-Such: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Zone 1...um..

Snookums: Inquisition

Stuff-in-Such: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Zone 1 Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect...

Snookums: Our chief weapons are...

Stuff-in-Such: Our chief weapons are...um...er...

Snookums: Stuffing

Stuff-in-Such: Stuffing and --

Snookums: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are stuffing...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

Crass: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against FidoNet. 'My old *C said follow the--'

Stuff-in-Such: That's enough. (To Bobby) Now, how do you plead?

Bobby: We're innocent

Snookums: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Stuff-in-Such: We'll soon change your mind about that!

Snookums: Surprise, fear, and a most ruthless-- (controls herself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the tic file!

<Stuff-in-Such produces a huge Fox tick>

Stuff-in-Such: You... Right! Tie them down!

Snookums: Right! How do you plead?

Bobby: Innocent.

Snookums: Ha! Right! Cardinal, stuff a node number in the tic file.

Stuff-in-Such: I...

Snookums: I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your Crass mistake.

Stuff-in-Such: I...

Snookums: It makes it all seem so stupid.

Stuff-in-Such: Shall I...?

Snookums: No, just pretend for Fido's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

<Stuff-in-Such pretends to open up a text editor and add node numbers to a tic file. The Fox tick is rather irritated by the actions and bites Stuff-in-Such>

Snookums: Now, ERN Charting Committee-- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- four counts. Do you confess?

Bobby: We don't understand what we are accused of.

Snookums: Ha! Then we shall make you understand! Stuff-in-Such! Fetch...THE Hatching Program!

Stuff-in-Such: Here it is, lord.

Snookums: Now, ERN Charting Committee -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the Alternate routing list -- two last chances. And you shall be free -- three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Bobby: We don't know what you're talking about.

Snookums: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Hatch the file!