Clean Humor & Jokes

• Super-duper Computer
• Old Guys
• Speeding Excuse

Super-duper Computer
submitted by: wdbonner@pacbell.net

Little Johnny was a very bright little guy. When he was 10 his dad passed away. He always wondered if his dad went to heaven or hell. He did excellent in his school classes and went on to Yale and graduated at the head of his class in computer science. After graduation he went to work for IBM as they had the most powerful, super-duper, computer that one could possibly answer any question of a logical nature. The computer passed every test he put it to. It even told him his entire ancestry when he ask it about his own origin.

It was then that he remembered that he had always wondered if there was really a heaven and a hell. He thought that this super computer could possibly answer that eternal question. But how to phrase the question so the computer could properly respond? He decided to ask it if his daddy went to heaven. The computer never failed any task he had assigned to it. He sat down at the console and typed: "Where is my daddy?"

The hard drive lights winked and blinked and the screen responded, "Your daddy's fishing at his favorite mountain trout lake". Johnny was totally shocked. He decided the computer had misunderstood the question. So he asked the computer, "where is my father"? The computer came back with the same answer. This left him in total disbelief. Then he got another idea, the computer works only on logical problems and after rethinking his question he typed: "Where is my mother's husband"?

Instantly the screen responded: " your mother's husband died when you were ten years old, and your father is still fishing in his favorite mountain trout lake".

Old Guys
From an E-Mail to Frank Vest

On September 11th I indicated that if I could, I'd enlist again and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But I'm 60 now and the Armed Forces says I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the Army.

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters:

-- Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex every 15 seconds, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

-- Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

-- An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the beer belly.

-- An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early just to show we can (and to steal the neighbor's newspaper).

-- If old guys were captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would be a real brain teaser.

If it wasn't for the age barrier, I'd pretty much get into the Army without a hitch. According to the Army Internet site, I'd need to pass an entrance exam (officially called an ASVAB), but the sample questions I saw weren't exactly headache material.

For example:
A magnet will attract:

1. water
2. a flower
3. a cloth rag
4. a nail

I took a wild stab and guessed, "nail," knowing they'd probably stick me in some desk job with Army Intelligence after Boot Camp.

If 12 workers are needed to run 4 machines, how many workers are needed to run 20 machines?

1. 16
2. 18
3. 3
4. 60

Let's see...three workers per machine times 20 machines ...errr...hmmm...uhhh...60?

Finally, they wanted to know if I had command of the English language, just in case I had to describe an enemy camp from memory.

Small most nearly means:

1. Sturdy
2. Round
3. Cheap
4. Little

I knew this cheap, little sturdy guy once, but I wrote down little.

Now you know where the first questions come from for the "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" game show.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. The Army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been to the desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now. "Drop down and give me...er...one!"

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

I'm reminded of the story of the young bull and the old bull standing on a hill looking down on the cows. "Let's run down there and make love to one of those cows," says the young bull. "How about we WALK down there and make love to ALL those cows," replies the old bull.

Patience is something most 18-year-olds simply do not have. For good reason, too. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out. To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.

All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked our hearts one month ago today. The last thing they'd want to see right now is a couple of million old guys with attitude!

Speeding Excuse
From an E-Mail to Frank Vest

There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes Convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rear view mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.

The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."