Clean Humor & Jokes

• How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
• Another Little Johnny
• Work vs. Prison
• Quick Thinking
• TOP 10 REASONS

How many dogs does it take
to change a light bulb?
Pulled from a Fidonet Echo by Frank Vest

GOLDEN RETRIEVER:

The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?

BORDER COLLIE:

Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND:

You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

ROTTWEILER:

Make me!

LABRADOR RETRIEVER:

Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

MALAMUTE HUSKY:

Let the Border Collie do it. And you can feed me while he's busy.

POODLE:

I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL:

Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

MASTIFF:

Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

CHIHUAHUA:

Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

IRISH WOLFHOUND:

Can somebody else do it? I've got this terrible hangover.....

POINTER:

I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

GREYHOUND:

If it isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD:

First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

ENGLISH SHEEP DOG:

Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

GERMAN SHEPHERD:

All right, everyone stop right where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE!"

HOUND DOG:

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

CAT:

Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question should be: How long will it be before I can expect light?

Another Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mom?"

"To make myself beautiful," she answered. She then began to remove the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" Johnny started. "Giving up?"

Work vs. Prison
From: Warren Bonner <wdbonner@pacbell.net>

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get 3 meals a day. At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends. At work you can't even speak to family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers,with no work required.

At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs that you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic. At work we call them managers!

Quick Thinking....
From: Warren Bonner <wdbonner@pacbell.net>

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!!!" snapped the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy quickly replied, "No kidding???? Who did she play for?"

8^)

TOP 10 REASONS
From Lesley-Dee Dylan
1:250/201

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH

1 You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.

2 You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.

3 a. You can legally kill yourself

3 b. You can legally be killed

4 You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.

5 You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....

6 You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.

7 You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country

8 You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.

9 If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.

10 Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN

1 You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.

2 If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.

3 You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.

4 You are either

a.like the Dutch, just less efficient

b.like the French, just less romantic

c.like the Germans

5 Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.

6 No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.

7 More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.

8 You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares

9 All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders

10 Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.

2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time

3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.

4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.

5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channely

6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.

7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.

8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.

9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.

10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN

1. You can have a woman president without electing her.

2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.

3. You can call Budweiser beer.

4. You can be a crook and still be president.

5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.

6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.

7. You get to be really obese.

8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".

10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.

2. Warm beer.

3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.

4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.

5. Union jack underpants.

6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.

7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.

8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.

9. Ditto changing underwear.

10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH

1. You ain't English!

2. You ain't English!

3. You ain't English!

4. You ain't English!

5. You ain't English!

6. You ain't English!

7. You ain't English!

8. You ain't English!

9. You ain't English!

10. You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Give them a second chance

1. Oktoberfest.

2. Okotberfest-beer.

3. BMW.

4. VW.

5. Audi.

6. Mercedes.

7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.

8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.

9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.

10.Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet)