Humor in a Fido Vein

The NEW Echomail General
A Fidonet Satire by Michael Grant (1:134/11)

Poor, poor R12...

They all sat there on that cold January day, collectively contemplating their navels.

They had lost!

They had ranted and raved and hopped up and down about what they wanted, and they had lost!

They had complained about the process and had tried to make everyone in Fidonet see things their way, and convince them that everyone who did not do things their way were part of a great conspiracy, and they had still lost!

The day seemed dark indeed. A gloom had settled over the Northern half of the Great Lakes. What could be done? How could R12 have it's satisfaction? How could they get their way?

Then a voice cut through the gloom. It was the old Salty elf, who had once been their leader; the self-annointed angel and hero of the anarchist cause. He started quietly, but his voice then gradually rose to a hystical crescendo, causing many a R12 elf to swoon on that day.

"The new Z1C is EVIL!" he said.
"She is EVIL and MUST be DESTROYED!"

"What about those who elected her?" A timid R12 elf asked.

Salty glared at this elf with fire in his eyes, and the elf seemed to physically shrink.

"The others who elected her are ALSO EVIL!" he shouted.
"If they help the Z1C, they must be DESTROYED as well!"

"How can we accomplish this Salty?" one of the elves asked. "Our holy REC is gone, and we have to use echomail systems controlled from the outside."

"Not to worry" said Salty, with a wicked gleam in his eye. "There is one who moves mail from the hated enemy camp, R18, who is vulnerable. He has lost his mentor, and now he hates those he once cooperated with, because he blames them for his mentor leaving. We will recruit him. We can control him. We will brainwash him so that he will be unswervingly loyal to the R12 cause."

And so it came to be. The elf they recruited became a good echomail General for R12, and he immediately consolidated his camp, and took the Z1B by force. The R12 elves were very happy. They immediately dropped all connection with the outside world in favor of their new General's echomail army.

But this was not enough. Salty was still feeling unsatisfied. He called a meeting with his General.

"You must ATTACK the Z1C!" he told the General. "You must ATTACK her and ALL of those who serve her! You must ATTACK them on the ERN front, and on the Nodelist front, and you MUST look for EVERY tiny mistake to ATTACK them further with!" He shouted.

The new General, in awe of the R12 angel, knelt down and kissed his feet. "I will do as you wish, my liege"; He said.

And so the new R12 echomail General began his new campaign. But something went wrong. It was not so easy as the taking of the Z1B had been. He met with much resistance. Ordinary elves that had not spoken up before against him suddenly began to speak up; and what they were saying about him was not nice. Even some of those who had once rallied to his side now fought against him.

But the General was undeterred. Armed with his hero, Salty, and the memory of his mentor to push him on, he continued to attack, attack, attack. Yet still he began to lose ground. He started to get beaten back. With the conviction borne of his R12 brainwashing, he began to employ that time-honored R12 tactic, denial. Yet there came a time when he could no longer deny the facts.

He was under attack. Others were laughing at him. He had made mistakes in his attack on the Z1C, and it was turned around on him. He had made mistakes in his ERN attack and it was turned around on him. He had no choice but to retreat.

Salty continued on with the attacks, emboldened by the assurance that he is always right, and the self-confidence of his delusional belief in his own greatness, but once again, a gloom had settled over the Northern part of the Great Lakes.

Whatsoever will R12 do? Will they never have their way?

Let's all hope so.