Net Humor

"Medical Benefits Of Breast Watching"

From: Bob Crowninshield <mutha@capeonramp.com>

This came from the New England Journal of Medicine, so men take heart, and ladies - don't look at us like we're scum when you catch us. We're only doing it for our health.

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work- out" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby.

"There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier."

"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four or five years."

"Fish in Boston"

A Chicago salesman on a business trip to Boston had a few hours to kill before catching a plane home. Remembering an old friend's advice to try some broiled scrod, a favorite fish in Boston, he hopped into a cab and asked the driver,

"Say, do you know where I could get scrod around here?"

The driver replied, "Pal, I've heard that question a thousand times, but this is the first time, ever, in the passive pluperfect subjunctive."

STRANDED

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh Man! Is that ever good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too?

Class Assignment

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. Ashley said, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Teacher: "That was a fine story Sarah." "Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break when she landed, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."