Net Humor

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said , 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know...I would have gotten out today.

Poor Old Lady

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.