Net Humor

Customer: This coffee tastes like mud!
Waitress: Well, it was ground this morning.

Bumped into Bill Clinton on the street outside McDonalds this
morning... I said " Pardon Me", to which he replied, "it'll cost ya!".

The Meaning of words:

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

A retired gentleman went into the Social Security office to apply for benefits. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "No, just unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair on his chest.

She says, "That is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for Disability, too."

HORSE SENSE

A horse can't pull while kicking.
    This fact I merely mention.
And he can't kick while pulling,
    Which is my chief contention.

Let's imitate the good old horse
    And lead a life that's fitting;
Just pull an honest load, and then
    There'll be no time for kicking.

Anonymous

OUR LIPS AND EARS

If you your lips would keep from slips,
    Five things observe with care:
Of whom you speak, to whom you speak,
    And how and when and where.

If your ears would save from jeers,
    These things keep meekly hid:
Myself and I, and mine and my,
    And how I do and did.

Anonymous