Net Humor

Little Leroy was at home doing his Math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine". At that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. "Leroy, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?!" Little Leroy answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom". She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?" He replied, "Yes"

The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Leroy's school to talk to the teacher.

The mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems." Little Leroy's mother asked, "And... are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

When the teacher stopped laughing she replied. "Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."

The Argument

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf.

She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'" "OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

THE PROCTOLOGIST EXAM

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his blonde nurse........

"Nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT.

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!" Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!" Still nothing.....and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet." Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!...

... He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "PC, do your stuff." PC trotted over to a desktop PC, grabbed the mouse in his mouth and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Tax Break, do your stuff." Tax Break went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Measure, o your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. Without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the computer keyboard, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.