Net Humor

This column on humor is to somewhat offset the political squabbles. I hope it gives your funny bone a mild tickle...relax and enjoy.

Subject: Dead or alive?

A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog. She inquired as to whether it was alive or dead. "Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Because I pissed in it's ear," said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'PSSST'. It didn't move."

Guess who may run for President 2008

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him, "he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Celebrating Holidays

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's an unfair discrimination." His friend replied, "Well... Why don't you celebrate April first?"

Popemobile

POPE'S LIMOUSINE

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Without much of a choice, the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.

After gleefully accelerating to about 90 mph, the Pope was pulled over by the State Patrol. The trooper came to his window, took a look inside, and said, "Just a moment, please. I need to call in."

The trooper called in and asked for the chief. He told the chief, "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replied, "Who is it? A senator?"

The trooper said, "No, even more important."

The chief asked, "It's the Governor, isn't it?"

"No. More important."

"The President?"

"No. More important."

"Well, Who the heck is it?!," screams the chief.

"I don't know," said the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. After several weeks the priest was overcome with curiosity and approached her. "I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, about $2,000 a week."

"Your son must be very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He's a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas".

Coin Flip

I'm sure that the idea of tossing a coin for the presidency is not original but I suggest a coin toss with a little extra twist. The Secretary of the Treasury should go to the mint and procure a brand new silver dollar. (Are we still making silver dollars?) The dollar should then be tossed into the air and the winner of the toss will then have his choice of either the presidency or the silver dollar. If he's smart he'll take the dollar.

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day.

"I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?!?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

By: Dan Ceppa, Valencia (393/9005.30)

I had a customer buy a deer whistle.

She returned it because she found out it was to scare deer away rather than call them to her!