Net Humor

Smart NFL Quarterbacks

Barry Switzer, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboys' losing record, decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret is. So Switzer travels up to a 49er practice and asks Mariucci, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"

Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. "Steve, who's your father's brother's nephew?" Young answers, "Why coach, that's easy: it's me." Mariucci turns to Switzer and says, "That's the secret, Barry: a smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."

Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Switzer returns to Texas and the Cowboys workout. He promptly calls over Troy Aikman. "Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Troy looks perplexed, thinks a minute, then asks, "Coach, can I get back to you on that?" Switzer, disgusted, says, "O.K."

During practice, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. "Deion, coach just asked me the weirdest question". Deion asked, "What was that?" "who's your father's brother's nephew?" Sanders replies, "Duh! That's easy. It's me!" After practice, Aikman catches up with Switzer. "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders." Switzer, angry, reprimands, "NO, NO, NO! You idiot! It's Steve Young!"

Hot Air

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend an hour ago I would meet him, but I don't know where I am."

The woman replied, "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 79 and 80 degrees West longitude."

"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist.

"I am," said the woman, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I still have no idea what to make of your information, = and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help."

The woman below responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Voice Mail

We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for Requests. Press 2 for Thanksgiving. Press 3 for Complaints. Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.

I am sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order in which it was received, so please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to: God - press 1. Jesus - press 2. The Holy Spirit - press 3. If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 4. To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, press 5. Enter his or her Social Security number, then press the pound key. If you get a negative response, try area code 666.

For reservations at My Father's House, please enter JOHN followed by 3-16. For nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again Monday after 9:30 a.m.

If you need emergency assistance dial 1(900) GOD-WHYME (This is a toll call.)

Note: This is only a spoof on Voice Mail operated companies, and has no religious connotation what-so-ever.

A Snicker
From: donotreply <Leslie@marketlab.net>via Dave Cobel

George loves the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. George was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won! George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. George placed his bet - every cent he owned and watched the horse come in dead last. George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants ... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!"