Net Humor

flashes on the web

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need anyone," he was told.

"You can't afford not to hire me," Morris said. "I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"

"Well, we have two prospects that NO ONE has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours. He returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman," Morris said. "I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Morris was gone about six hours, and they were about to close when in he walks in with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine. He sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers' convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

A very poor woman gave birth to identical twin boys, but she could not afford to keep them, so she arranged to give them up for adoption. Unfortunately, the agency could not keep them together, and one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by an Arab family. The Mexican family named their boy 'Juan'. The Arab family named theirs 'Amal'. The years passed, and the woman found herself wondering whatever happened to her two boys. "They must be all grown now," she thought, and she asked her husband to track the families down and ask them for pictures of the boys. A month or two later, they get a lovely response from the Mexican family, showing the boy Juan with his brothers and sisters, but they heard nothing from the Arab family. The mother was very upset, and she cried to her husband. He tries to calm her, saying: "Don't worry dear, they look just the same. So, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"

The Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist, and he worked occasionally as a farmer. In short, he was "A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe."

The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with, "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"

GOD BLESS TEXAS !!!

It seems a man decided to write a book about churches around the nation. So he started out by flying to California, and working East from there. He went to a church and began taking photographs, etc, and noticed a golden telephone on a wall and was intrigued with a "$10,000 a minute" sign nearby.

Seeking out the pastor about the phone and the sign, he was told the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven. And, if he paid the price, he could talk directly to God. He thanked the pastor for answering his question, and continued on his way.

As he visited churches progressively Eastward, and on around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally he arrived in Texas, on his way to New York, and entered a church in Dallas. Lo and behold, there on a wall he saw the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign of "Calls: 25 cents" is posted instead.

Fascinated by the change, he requested to talk to the pastor and asked, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country, and in each church I found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could use it to talk to God. But in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. And your sign has only 25 cents a call as the request. Why?"

The pastor smiled benignly and replied, "Oh, my Son, that's very easy to explain. Those people have to pay a large service charge. You're in Texas now, it's a local call from here."