Net Humor

Psychiatric Hotline
Thanks to Roy Reed

"Welcome To The Psychiatric Hotline!"

If you are Type A press 1 before anyone else does.

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly, just in case.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; just keep reading while we trace your brain waves.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which # to press

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep - or before the beep - or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have attention deficit disorder, start to press ......Hello! ...Hello?!!

If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you are masochistic, shove the receiver as far as you can up your left nostril.

If you are sadistic, well,........you get the idea.

If you are grandiose, any number you press will be superior to anything that anyone else might have pressed.

If you are Oedipal, press 7 and your mother will answer.

If you are possessed, press 666.

If you are narcissistic, press 3 to hear a recording of your own voice.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are far too busy to talk to you.