Columns

Ol'WDB's Column
wdbonner@pacbell.net
REDNECK COMPUTER ADDICT

Thanks to Mutha a genuine redneck

WARNING: It is highly recommended that you put down the beer can and the shotgun before reading any further

Ya might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if.......

• If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
• Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestling organization.
• Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they need bail money.
• Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.
• Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays Dixie.
• Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
• Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spit can.
• Ya think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea.
• Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
• Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
• Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
• Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
• Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.
• Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
• Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
• Ya play Frisbee with yer CD Rom's
• Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
• When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
• Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk
• Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.
• Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
• Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
• When ya tern yer computer on ya say "Come OOOOOOON Betsy".
• Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
• Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
• Ya think ICQ is how smart yer computer is.
• Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
• Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
• Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
• Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
• Ya give Directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
• Ya Think MB stands for "More Beer".
• Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer 'putter.
• Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
• Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
• Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear.
• Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
• Ya think IBM stands for "I'ze Better'n Most"
• Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie It's Free"
• Ya think JPG stands "Just Pretty Good"
• Ya Think Mirabilis (ICQ) is a new brand of smokes.
• Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
• Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol' lady.
• Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
• Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
• Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
• Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
• Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.
• Ya see the word "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.
• Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
• Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
• Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
• You's in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply "Yo momma"
• You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders home.
• You see the word "FIDONET" and look for a doggie dog catcher's tool.