Columns

Dear Editorbeing,

This column is submitted by Doc Logger (163/110) who was marveling that Madame DuFarge's scarf was finally getting shorter. Doc was also recovering from serious eel wounds and bitterly complaining that he had to type with only one flipper. If only he'd had Monica Lewinsky at his side it would have been a fair fight with the eel.

Roll da flic, Henk....

Dear Reverend Visage,

You'll be pleased to know that the Snooz successfully became another offshore export, this time to country that hosts Winnie's tire recycling emporium. I hope that we can look forward to weekly reports on the entertainments available at Sun City where even Anne Murray can still get bookings.

This week has marked the denouement in the death spiral of Kohl's career as a Fido elflord. His last frantic and petulant wailings occurred in the ZEC echo where he attempted to hoof out all participants because he asserted that they were off-topic. In a miracle not unlike the Second Coming, Satti woke up long enough to affirm Gary Gilmore as the interim ZEC and Kohl's nodelistings were reduced to the status of mere Fidopeasantry. Our prayers and our edible underwear should go out to Kohl as he shrieks at everyone for conspiring to short-circuit his path to self-perceived greatness.

After briefly surfacing for 19 public words of wisdom, Satti announced that he was scampering back to his bunker. In one of those moments of unintended humour, Satti announced in the ZCC echo that the other ZCs should not expect prompt responses from him for several weeks. This message motivated Ward Dossche to ask the obvious, which was how anyone would notice his absence considering that he has done nothing since he clawed his way into the IC position.

Lisa Gronke, The Fidonet Mistress of Antiquities, asked what seemed like a very pertinent question in one of the echos which paraphrased to: If you were suddenly blessed with an IC hat, what would you do to penetrate the Event Horizon that seems to shelter Zone 6 from the rest of the Fido universe? Perhaps Kohl should be sent to that zone so that he can unite them in adversity and give them the motivation to re-organize their nodelists and mail delivery. Perhaps His Henkness can boldly go where no Snoozlord has gone before and find a Zone 6 correspondent who can outline the present chaos that afflicts them.

There are only five readers of the Snooz this week because Andrea Santos is on holidays. She said something about accompanying tomatoes on a perilous journey but the exact details were shrouded in mystery. I fear for her safety because you can't trust vegetables (as anyone who has followed Satti's career can attest.)

I must go, Visage, your secretary reports that you have caused another disturbance at a foreign embassy where you demands for more Scotch to be delivered by diplomatic pouch have been met with strange turbofan engine noises approaching from carrier based launch sites. Perhaps your declaration of a fatwa against bad Country&Western music wasn't such a good idea after all.

Regards,
Doc Logger,
Eel Wound Recovery Unit,
Furlang Island,
South Pacific