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Dear EditorBeing,

This article is submitted by Doc Logger (163/110 or cherriot@magmacom.com) who was still puzzled by the strange, nocturnal transmissions from Bill Whitehouse. The last several messages from Bill contained what appears to be all of Machiavelli's "The Prince" translated into Swahili with generous insertions taken from Jane's Book of Weapons Systems. If Bill would ever indicate how to contact him, I'm sure that these messages could be properly deciphered.

Roll da flic, Zorch....

Dear Reverend Visage,

I trust that Easter and Passover treated you kindly this year and that you weren't arrested again for trying to nail bunnies to a cross. The kindly editors at Swamp Swine Magazine were a tadge excited by the recent influx of petty cash vouchers from you. They particularly were concerned about the order for thirteen tons of turnips, 3 Baywatch' tapes, and the complete song library of every bagpipe record ever released. Be careful Visage, I've never trusted turnips which pretty much is the theme of this week's article what with the usual elflord amusements.

As I was writing last week's Snooz submission it occurred to me that the windmills that I tilt at may be expressing a minority position. In other words, I wondered if the majority of Fidoserfs truly were in love with Peefour, adored the RCs, and thought that Satti and representation were near relations. To do a baseline check of reality I wrote a survey questionnaire and, with the generous assistance of Malcolm Campbell (163/307) crash mailed it to a mailing list of nine hundred and fifty one Zone 1 sysops. On the list were every NC in the Zone, as well as a random selection of sysops from each net. As of this writing, the mail-out is almost complete and I've already started to receive impressive numbers of returns. Based on the trends so far, I discovered that I was wrong on a few issues (there are more than six readers of Fidonews) and on others was understating the depths of disenchantment. When the process is finished I will collate the results and publish them in the Snooz. To those who have already responded, a thousand thank-yous. To those who received a survey, please respond - your input is valued. In the interests of fairness, I am seeking someone who is willing to "peer review" my summaries of the data and the conclusions that I will draw. In fact, I'll even extend the offer to the elflords who may wish to appoint someone to independently review the data.

As mentioned previously in the Snooz, our odious buddy in Region 10, Bob Kohl, has agreed to keep his mitts off the nodelistings of fidoserfs. However, in a petulant display of pique, Kohl has announced that he will attempt to replace Gerry Calhoun as NC of one of the nets. The RECs have started calling for Kohl's head on a platter because an R10EC hasn't been appointed yet. In an effort to avoid Kohl's imperialist ambitions, the RECs have established their own conference and seem to be united in adversity. Zorch has continued to slavishly support Kohl but has had to resort to increasingly more impressive leaps of logic and contortionate interpretations of policy. I think this may be one of those instances of where "my country, right or wrong" replaces common sense.

I suspect you'll gag if I mention Bob Satti and common sense in the same sentence but you would admire the way he has been flinging his majestic manners at the serfs. For example, when asked whether a policy complaint appeal had been filed with him, he answered "I can neither confirm nor deny." Which begged the question whether this was just a perceptual handicap of his, or whether he truly was being nonsensical. In Satti's Kafkaesque world, those who are subject to policy complaints should be saved from the onerous task of raising a defense. After Satti weaseled on numerous requests to make the information public, he then headed for the bunker with the statement that he would only discuss the complaint with "those affected by it." I know that Dallas Hinton is probably hogging the Speak N Spell so that Satti can't benefit from its use, but Satti said in his ruling: " I'm going to lay out what I expect from net 163 in the future. Whether they like it or not, they aren't going to get any special treatment, just because they mistakenly believe they aren't bound by policy 4.07. They shouldn't be getting special treatment from their NC or their RC, and they won't get it from their ZC." Dooya suppose that on Satti's planet that his reference to Net163 doesn't mean that the whole net might be subject to his totalist ambitions? Even more important, perhaps he should be told that we'd rather not bend over for his special treatment. Satti's foot stamping silliness is remarkable given that he is addressing an NC who has the full confidence of her net, in a Region where the RC was democratically elected in a sysop level vote. In terms of mandates, Satti doesn't have a pot to pee in. What Satti has also blithely ignored is that the policy complaint in question was filed by Martin Belcke's assistant RC - neither of whom have obtained an electoral mandate from their regions and both of whom are much loathed by their sysop peasantry. Also missing from Satti's ruling was a mention that he'd bothered to solve the original problem which was the inability of a Z6 sysop to find either an NC, RC or ZC in his zone who could offer an echomail feed and nodenumber. That net163 gave the sysop both a nodenumber and a mail feed was taken by the mouth breathing cretins like Gilmore as some sort of Fidocrime worthy of a policy complaint. As usual, these trolls have it ass-backwards. (Hint for blondes: Yo, Mr. Belcke: Three of the nodes in your own net aren't running mailers. Perhaps before you set loose your trained seal on a nodelist hunt for Fidocriminals you oughta stoop n scoop in your own yard.)

What made Satti's eventual ruling into high farce was his claim that Net163 shouldn't have allowed a non-geographic node into their list without applying first for an exemption. Like, duh, we were asked for help, we gave it - immediately and effectively. That should have been the end of the story. The fact that we didn't raise our hands and ask Satti if we could go to the bathroom is just too darned bad. Based on his non-responsive behaviour in general, hell would have frozen over before we obtained permission to connect another sysop to Fidonet.

For my Chautaqua this week I would like to lead off with a quote from Lewis H. Lapham who wrote in "Harper's Magazine":

"The existence of a literature presupposes a literate and coherent public that has both the time to read and a need to take seriously the works of literary imagination. I'm not sure whether the United States ever had such a public; certainly it hasn't had one for the last thirty years. What we have instead is an opening-night crowd, astonished by celebrity and opulent spectacle, tolerating only those authors who present themselves as freaks and wonders and offer the scandal of their lives as proof of their art. Lacking even one critic whose judgement means anything, the management of the nation's literary affairs falls naturally into the hands of accountants and press agents - i.e., life-forms native to the 'deserts of materialism'."

Lapham's comments appeared in a sort of faux letter written to a cousin who was aspiring to be a writer. I liked the quote because it describes the same sort of limitations facing Fidonet. I was roundly toasted in netmail for my "elitism" in suggesting that sysops should strive for greater standards of literacy or readability in their messages. It is almost unkind to mention that most of these criticisms appeared in messages replete with bad grammar, incomplete sentences, and levels of spelling which would have embarrassed a Grade 4 student. The point is well-taken, however, because what I have been advocating is obviously unachievable. What I had put down to lack of effort in those who write endless quoted messages which lack substance is really a basic lack of skill. The correspondent who wrote to me: "Why shood(sic) I write all fancy? Go f*ck your self." was probably expressing a majority opinion. I confess that I have no satisfactory response to the former assertion because once I try to reconcile what I think is supposed to be communication with a steadfast resolve not to communicate by my critic(s) - I find no common ground upon which to carry on the debate. What seems blindingly self-evident to me, is obviously a mere triviality to a great many others. I stand corrected. My thesis is accordingly amended to the statement that echomail conferences are wastelands of gibberish because that is exactly what sysops want them to be.

On that cheery note, Visage, I'll end this. I trust that you are being well cared for by your secretary whom I mailed to you via parcel post. I would have kept her in the office but I needed the extra space to accommodate the satellite required to tune into Zorch's transmissions from his planet.

Regards,
Doc Logger
Furlang Island,
South Pacific