Net Humor

--- Following message extracted from BREV_CHAT @ 1:18/14 ---
By Christopher Baker on Sat Dec 27 17:37:17 1997

From: Jim Venedam
To: All
Date: 26 Dec 97 11:54:00
Subj: After Christmas

Subject: A Post-Holiday Poem
From: bobd@catfish.ocpt.ccur.com (Bob D'Amore)

This appeared in the Asbury Park Press (New Jersey)
Sat. Dec.26, 1992.

HAPPY SHOPPING TO ALL!

by Suzanne Delcamp
Asbury Park Press Staff Writer
(Poem reprinted with author's permission)

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the counties,
The people went shopping to return all their bounty.
The shoppers -- so many! -- roamed warily through the malls,
All seeking elusive discount Christmas balls.

The children came, too, and broke out into grins,
As they watched Mom return orange ties from Aunt Mims.
The teens prowled the record stores; the dads looked for books.
A horde of old ladies searched for marked-down crochet hooks.

Away in the parking lot, nearby spaces were rare,
Though if you drove far away enough there were plenty to spare.
The malls were just bustling, the folks dashing to and fro,
And the prospect of bargains made some shoppers glow.

Then what to consumers' wondering eyes should appear,
But a clearance rack of sweaters all made from cashmere.
I smiled at the shoppers, so lively and quick,
Everyone was eager to spend the money from St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles, shoppers came and came,
Some reciting the stores they'd visit, name after name.
First Macy's! Then Caldor! And Herman's and Braddock's.
And don't forget McCrory, Lord & Taylor and Wallach's!
To the upper level! To the lower level! Thank goodness for the mall!
Let's shop away, shop away, shop away all!

And as corridors got crowded and the madness intensified,
The shoppers greeted waiting lines that stretched out to July,
Up to the counters the lines snaked inch by inch,
But then when else is returning ever such a cinch?

Then in the twinkling of an eye something opened up quite near,
I stopped and I shook myself. An available cashier!
But as I drew up my packages and was turning around,
Someone raced to the register, beating me hands down.

She was piled under packages, from her head to her toes,
And the remnants of Christmas wrapping clung to her clothes.
After shifting her bundle she began to unpack,
That's when I realized they were all being taken back!

Her eyes were glazed, her dimples anything but merry!
Her face looked tired. Was she happy? Not very.
Her small little mouth was drawn tight as a knot,
And there at her side were several tired tots.

She set down her packages, starting with the neon tinsel wreath, Then
came the toothpick maker and some mechanical chattering teeth. The
clerk eyed her wearily, but still the packages came,
A ring rack, a poster, a plastic Great Dane.

There was something funny about her, with her passel of elves,
And I smirked as I watched her, in spite of myself.
But with a wink of her eye and a twist of her head,
I saw that once all this was returned there was more shopping ahead.

She spoke not a word, just went back to her work.
New play shoes for Willy, a new skirt for work.
And then pointing a finger and rising up on her toes,
She broke into a trot as she headed toward the bargain panty hose.

As she sprang down the aisle, to her children she whistled,
And they all flew behind her like tiny guided missles.
But I heard her exclaim as she pranced out of sight,
"Happy Shopping to all, and to all a good night!"

Origin: Flamingo BBS, Melbourne, FL V34+ (407)242-8184 (1:374/46)

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--- Following message extracted from BREV_CHAT @ 1:18/14 ---
By Christopher Baker on Sat Dec 27 17:37:44 1997

From: Jim Venedam
To: All
Date: 26 Dec 97 11:56:00
Subj: After Christmas II

The Night After Christmas

`Twas the night after Christmas, and boy, what a house!
I felt like hell, and so did the spouse.
The eggnog and turkey and candy were swell,
but ten hours later, I sure didn't feel well.

The stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care,
the darned things were sprawled on the back of a chair.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
but I had a large pack of ice on my head!

And when I finally dozed off in a nap,
the ice woke me up when it fell on my lap.
Then for some unknown reason, I wanted a drink,
so I started feeling my way to the sink.

I got along fine, till I stepped on the cat,
I don't recall what happened after that.
When I came to, the house was flooded with light,
although under a table, I was high as a kite!

While visions of sugar plums danced in my head,
I somehow got up and back into bed.
Then what to my wandering eyes should appear...
but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer!

Then the sleigh seemed to change into a red fire truck,
and each reindeer turned into a bleary eyed buck.
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
I tried to call out, but my tongue was too thick.

Then the old devil whistled and shouted with glee,
while the bucks pawed the earth as they grinned at me!
Then he called them by names, and the names made me shudder.
When I heard them, I felt like a ship minus a rudder!

"Now Eggnog! Bacardi! Now Bourbon and Brandy!"
"Now Fruitcake! Cold turkey! Gin Rickey and Candy!"
To the top of his head, to the top of his skull,
now whack away, crack away, with thumps that are dull!

And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof,
the prancing and pawing of each cloven hoof.
How long this went on, I'm sure I can't say,
though it seemed like eternity, plus one more day!

But finally, the night after Christmas had passed,
and I found I could really think at last!
So I thought of the New Year a few days away,
and I've made me a vow that no temper can sway.

I'm sticking to water - don't even want ice!
But there's nothing as tasty or nothing as nice.
The night after New Year's may bother some guys,
but I've learned my lesson, and now I am wise.

You can have your rich victuals and liquor that's red,
but what goes to my stomach won't go to my head.
So a big Happy New Year to you and to all,
I'm back on the wagon, and hope I don't fall!

Origin: Flamingo BBS, Melbourne, FL V34+ (407)242-8184 (1:374/46)

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