Net Humor

• An irreverent look at FidoLand hierarchy. :)
• What kind of Users do you have?

An irreverent look at FidoLand hierarchy. :)
Paul Quinn at 3:640/384

Aha! Here it is... knew I had it somewhere. I found this description of the network lying around and, as I'd had such a good belly-laugh, thought that I ought to really pass it around.

FidoNet Co-ordinators

IC

leaps tall buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a locomotive
is faster than a speeding bullet
walks on water
is GOD

ZC

leaps short buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a shunting engine
is faster than a speeding bullet
walks on water if the sea is calm
gives policy to God

RC

leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds
is almost as powerful as a shunting engine
is just as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
talks with God

NC

barely clears a fabricated hut
loses a tug of war with locomotive
can fire a speeding bullet
swims well
talks with God if special request is approved

HUB

makes high marks on the wall when trying to clear tall buildings
is run over by locomotives
can sometimes handle a gun without hurting themselves
dog paddles
talks to animals

NODE

runs into buildings
recognises locomotives 2 times out of 3
is not issued with ammunition
can stay afloat with a lifejacket
talks to walls

POINT

falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
says look at the choo choo
wets themselves with water pistol
plays in mudpuddles
mumbles to themselves

USER

lifts buildings and walks under them
kicks locomotives off the tracks
catches speeding bullets in teeth and ears
walks on water if it is frozen
who the hell is GOD?

Many thanks to Stuart Fox (3:635/727.21) for the original.

Cheers,
Paul.

PC Users

From: "Mike Riddle" <mriddle@monarch.papillion.ne.us>
To: "Baker, Christopher" <cbaker84@digital.net (Christopher Baker)>,
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 97 14:22:29 -0600
Reply-To: "Mike Riddle" <mriddle@monarch.papillion.ne.us>
Subject: Fwd: PC Users

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>Date: Tue, 28 Jan 1997 14:11:26 -0600
>To: Mike Riddle <mriddle@monarch.papillion.ne.us>
>From: "Demitri Baroutsos" <deems@bigfoot.com> (by way of jennifer rose <jjrose@redoak.heartland.net>)
>Subject: PC Users
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"

9 Different types of users

1. El Explicito

   "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn't, ya know?"

   Advantages

   Provides interesting communication challenges.

   Disadvantages

   So do chimps.

   Symptoms

   Complete inability to use proper nouns

   Real Case

   One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place."

2. Mad Bomber

   "Well, I hit Alt-f6, shift-f8, Cntrl-f10, f4, and f9, and now it looks all weird."

   Advantages

   Will try to find own solution to problems.

   Disadvantages

   User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning to.

   Symptoms

   More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in WordPerfect

   Real Case

   One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd set and unset underline more than fifty times in his document.

3. Frying Pan/Fire Tactician

   "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I fed in my aunt's Recipe for key lime pie."

   Advantages

   Will usually fix error.

   Disadvantages

   'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.

   Symptoms

   A tendency to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing them.

   Real Case

   One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could get it to compile."

4. Shaman

   "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."

   Advantages

   Gives insight into primitive mythology.

   Disadvantages

   Few scons are anthropology majors.

   Symptoms

   Frequent questions about irrelevant objects.

   Real Case

   One user complained that all information on one of their disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went somewhere, they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the missing information.

5. X-user

   "Will you look at those...um, that resolution, quite impressive, really."

   Advantages

   Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.

   Disadvantages

   Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics technology.

   Symptoms

   Fuzzy hands, blindness

   Real Case

   When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they were doing exactly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.

6. Miracle Worker

   "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a guess, this disk has been swallowed and regurgitated.' "But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!"

   Advantages

   Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.

   Disadvantages

   People complain when scons actually use the word "horse-puckey".

   Symptoms

   Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.

   Real Case

   At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.

7. Taskmaster

   "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?"

   Advantages

   Bold new challenges.

   Disadvantages

   Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.

   Symptoms

   An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendencies to make machines do things they don't want to do.

   Real Case

   One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his target's home system, account name, or real name.

8. Maestro

   "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this..."

   Advantages

   Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.

   Disadvantages

   For as long as five or six hours.

   Symptoms

   Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."

   Real Case

   I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same thing).

9. Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males)

   "I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"

   Advantages

   Flatters you with their high standards for your service.

   Disadvantages

   Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on this planet.

   Symptoms

   Inability to communicate except by complaining.

   Real Case

   One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he (the user) didn't like it.

Yours Humouresly,
The Humour Man (aka Demitri Baroutsos)

mailto:humour@bigfoot.com
http://www.nis.za/homepgs/dbarout.htm [faulty URL [jb 4/25/01]]
http://cyber.nis.za/penpal/

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** DISCLAIMER ** None of the jokes posted are in any way intended to insult or offend any person/place/race/creed or sex. The jokes posted in no way represent my views or those of the company I work for. The jokes posted may contain rude or inappropriate words and/or content - parental guidance is advised.

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