Net Humor

From: "Mike Riddle" <mriddle@novia.net>
To: "Baker, Christopher" <cbaker84@digital.net (Christopher Baker)>
Date: Sat, 18 Jan 97 11:55:43 -0600
Reply-To: "Mike Riddle" <mriddle@novia.net>
Subject: Fwd: What To Do If . . .

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>Return-Path: mriddle
>From: Rich.Arnold@fbbs.omahug.org (Rich Arnold)
>Date: 17 Jan 97 10:16:00
>Newsgroups: oma.general
>Subject: What To Do If . . .

WHAT TO DO...

...if you get a phone call from Mars.

Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.

...if he or she doesn't speak English?

Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he or she would have taken the trouble to learn the language before calling.

...if you get a phone call from Jupiter?

Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, he or she is not `life as we know it'. Try to terminate the conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you.

...if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive, lands in your backyard?

First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any film. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.

...if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your closet contains an alternate dimension?

Don't go in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm and go back to bed. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains an alternate dimension, nail it shut.

...if reality disappears?

Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There is not much you can do about it. It can be quite unpleasant.

...if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?

Follow the books on this one. Ask about the stock market and cash in. Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox.

SLMR 2.1a * Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

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